Being an Artist and Having FUN

Over the holidays I found myself transported back in time, nearly 20 years to be exact. It happened entirely by chance when I stumbled upon a Final Fantasy 11 private server just moments before it was to go live. HorizonXI promises a classic era version of the game, the grandest hit of nostalgia for anyone who played it during that time. Naturally and reluctantly I quickly signed up and installed the game, eager to experience what made it great all those years ago. As luck would have it, this turned out to be a fantastic server with tons of players to share in the nostalgia. I was however immediately reminded of how slow and time consuming the game can be. Nostalgia sure is sweet, but reality can be bitter.

Suddenly the guilt of not focusing 100% of my being on my art started setting in, an all too familiar situation. As an artist striving to make a living from my work, I’ve certainly burdened this guilt several times over the years. Even through periods of employment, the thought of coming home from work and not dedicating myself to the craft would sometimes drive me into a guilt induced depression. There’s always new subjects to explore, software to learn, techniques to study, materials to experiment with and ideas to bring to reality. It’s just never ending and thinking about it all can easily leave you so overwhelmingly paralyzed that ultimately nothing gets done. I’d be feeling all of this while working as an artist and now that I’m trying to forge my own path, I get these feelings even more often. Also having just started this whole youtube thing, primarily with sculpting no less, a skill I had next to no experience in prior and you have a recipe for stress.

While all of this runs through my mind, I noticed my character in the game is still beating the crap out of the local wildlife, slowly but surely growing stronger. Now I couldn’t tell you what about this moment helped me arrive at my next realization. Perhaps the happy nostalgic fun mixed with the deep dark fear that I’ll never be a successful artist with a splash of end of year holiday reflection. It was the perfect concoction. A potion to lift the veil of all these built up aspirations, goals and dreams. A reason to ask myself one simple question; Why can’t I allow myself to have fun? Granted I certainly could be utilizing my time better than playing a 20 year old game, but when did having any sort of fun turn into guilt? I started thinking back to 20 years ago, enjoying this game when times were so much simpler. Or 8 years ago to when I first started drawing and quickly realized that creating art was my passion and the only thing I want to do for the rest of my life. What’s so different now? I still absolutely love creating art, but something’s changed. Lately drawing or painting has carried this weight, like a debt I know I can’t pay. The expectation that everything I produce has to be something. Has to advance my skill or knowledge in some way. Needs to be the next major milestone on my journey. It can no longer simply be just for fun.

Now I got to thinking about how I’ve spent the last few years, focusing solely on improving my skills and worrying over how to translate those skills into a business. To say I never create anything for fun or have any at all would be a lie, but looking at the situation I can clearly see what's changed is the expectation. The standard that I hold myself up to. Seemingly forever stuck in the grind of becoming “good enough” whatever that means. An elusive goal post perpetually moving further and further out of reach. This is truly the madness that I feel as an artist, from the outside looking in it’s probably like watching someone continuously burn themselves on a hot stove. The obvious solution is to stop touching the damn stove! To that I say, but it feels so good. I can’t explain it, but I cannot have it any other way.

So now the question is; What can I do? Do I seek a balanced lifestyle? Does such a thing even truly exist? Being in business for yourself, let alone as an artist in this fast paced world is as mentioned, an endless uphill grind. There’s so much to forever keep up with and improve upon that it’s hard imagining a so-called “balance.” Still, I can’t help but think that maybe I’m just trying too hard to define everything. Maybe it’s best to instead focus on the present and where I’ve come from. In terms of skill, I’ve surpassed all my early goals and expectations. While I certainly can always improve, we all can, where I’m at now once seemed like a lifetime away. It would be a shame to rob myself from the  fun of utilizing the skills I’ve worked so hard on, something I’ve realized since starting the YouTube videos. You see I’ve never really been one to create a lot of fanart, typically being able to create my own original work has always been my driving force. Since sculpting is so new to me, it seemed in my best interest to focus on established characters to help me learn the medium more easily. In doing so I’ve realized how much fun and stress free it can be to just sit down and work on some fanart I’m interested in. While all of this is pretty obvious, I still needed the reminder. The one simple notion that we can easily forget, just have fun.

Finally snapping out of my epiphany, I found myself still killing off all the rabbits in Final Fantasy. Self reflection time is certainly a benefit of such an older slower paced game, why not get some sketching in too? So I reached for my iPad and began sketching my adventures. There wasn’t an underlying reason for these sketches, I’m not trying to improve or make some epic piece of artwork. They’re not meant for anyone other than myself and they carry no expectations other than to fill some of the down time in the game. Sure enough, they were fun. The guilt I previously felt from not being hard at work studying or creating was washed away and I was once again reminded of why I started down this path in the first place. I looked forward to making more, like a diary of my journeys within the games world.

It’s funny how the nostalgia from such an old game, longing for those simpler times mixed with my current skills and experience created something more. To many these sketches will simply be just that, mediocre drawings of an old game. For me however, they represent so much more and will serve as a reminder of not only how far I’ve come, but that it’s important to create just for the sake of creation. I write all this because I know we artists all struggle with these very same topics. Upon visiting your average art community or art board you’ll quickly come across those that forget what’s probably the most important rule of finding any success as an artist. It needs to be fun. Now I’ll be the first person to point out that doing it for a living is still a job, work is work after all and I personally started pursuing art with the intention of making it a career. Not because I thought it would be easy or lucrative, I’m certainly not delusional, but because for the first time I felt I had finally found my true passion. I think it’s important to not only keep your goals in mind, but also make sure they align with reality. It’s such a long journey that can be full of turmoil, stress and fear. You’ll experience some amazing highs and gut wrenching lows, but you’ll always come back. Because what’s more fun than creating art? If it isn’t fun, why even put yourself through all of this? 

If this sounds familiar and resonates with you then please remember why you started creating art in the first place. It’s okay to take a break from your studies and create something for fun, just for yourself. Don’t be burdened with the expectations or fear that it won’t be “good enough.” Likewise, if you need a break then allow yourself some free time away from it all. Recharge those batteries and come back swinging harder tomorrow.

With that yet another year comes to its end. I enjoyed these drawings so much I even made a quick holiday painting to celebrate the end of the year, the launch of HorizonXI, my love for the game and an important reminder to myself. This is why I’m an artist, because it brings me joy to create. Not every sketch, drawing, painting or sculpture needs to mean something. They don’t all need to be some grand magnum opus that’s going to win me all the internet pixel currencies. They simply need to exist. In the end, all I am is an artist. It is something in me that I hold onto, something I cannot control and I would not have it any other way.

I hope you’ve all had Happy Holidays and I wish you all a safe New Year! Let’s give 2023 all we’ve got. Just make sure to leave room for some fun too!